Impossible
by HannahWing
Summary: Ana and Christian began an unforgettable romance following the fateful interview. Everything seemed normal until Ana found out she was pregnant. Slight AU: Christian has never been introduced to BDSM, but as he feels he's losing control, he finds a way to regain it.
1. This isn't My Life

Ana gripped the sink to keep from fainting.

It was wrong, it was wrong. It had to be wrong.

This was impossible.

The pregnancy test in her hand had a pink plus sign on it that matched the three other tests sitting on the bathroom vanity. If Ana hadn't already been sick to her stomach all day, this would be enough to put her over the edge. She sunk to the floor and gripped her churning stomach.

How could she tell Christian? They had only been seeing each other for a month and a half. They hadn't even officially called each other 'boyfriend and girlfriend'.There was no way that they were ready for something like this. There was no way that she was ready for this. She couldn't even imagine how Christian would react. Her stomach acid rose in her throat at the thought and she gave in to a wave of nausia.

This was all so unreal. This couldn't be her life, she must have woken up in someone elses body.

Her phone buzzed in her pocket. It was Christian. She had been avoiding him since she had missed her period three days ago. She didn't want to think of how furious he must be by now. He could be so…. controlling. She was surprised he hadn't hired a personal army to break into her house. God knows he had the money for it. She wasn't ready to tell him the truth, but she couldn't keep avoiding him forever. She braced herself and picked up the phone.

"Hello" She tried to hide the weakness in her voice.

"Where the hell have you been? I've been calling you all day." Christians voice growled through the phone.

"Sorry… I haven't been feeling well. I didn't get to my phone."

Christian's voice changed to something a little softer, but Ana could feel the tension that he was hiding. "Are you okay? I'm coming over there."

"No" Ana interjected quickly, "I… don't want you to get sick."

"Anastasia." Christian's voice was flat and humourless. "I didn't ask if I could come over, I told you I was coming over. I'll be there in twenty minutes. You can either let me in or I can break the door down. I'll leave the choice up to you."

There was a click.

"Shit" Ana threw the phone across the bathroom in frusturation. She grabbed the pregnancy tests, stuffed them deep in the garbage can and frantically pulled tissues from the dispenser, tossing them on top of the garbage can for safe measure.

In well under twenty minutes there was a firm knock at the door. Ana felt light headed as she walked to the door. There was so much behind that door that she didn't want to deal with. She opened the door as slowly as possible, trying to delay the inevitable.

Christian was standing at the there. Concern and annoyance were showing clearly on his face. More concern than annoyance, but he couldn't hide how much it had irritated him to have been out of contact with Ana for three days.

"I brought soup." He held up a takeout container of warm chicken soup.

"Thanks." Ana's stomach began churning again at the thought of eating anything. She tried to hold her vomit down as she took the soup from Christian. He put his arms around her protectively and possessively.

He took a step towards her, "Why have you been avoiding my calls for three days?" Christian's voice never really asked for answers. It demanded them.

"I don't want to talk about this right now." Ana shrunk away from his strong embrace. Her stomach twisting threateningly. How could she tell him?

"You will talk about this now. Don't think you can avoid me with no explanation. You've been a very bad girl." He held her tighter. He wasn't going to let her escape. She resisted the urge to collapse into his arms and fall asleep. Just fall asleep and hope that when she woke up, this would all be a dream. She doubled forward under a wave of nausea.

She summoned everything inside of herself and pushed him away from her body.

"This is too much." Her voice was breaking.

"What?" He was trying to hide his dejection.

"It's all too much. I can't do this." She was hyperventilating and tears were running down her face. "I don't want to do this."

Christian was unhinged. He struggled to keep his voice stable. "Ana, what are you talking about, what's wrong?" The annoyance was gone from his face, it was all fear and concern now.

"I just want to be alone right now." She broke into a sob. "I just want you to leave right now. I can't do this anymore."

Christians fists tightened and his lips thinned.

"You don't want me? Fine I'm gone." He turned to walk to the door. Just before he slammed it shut, Ana saw his eyes. She saw the hurt in them. She fell to the floor and let her sobs take over her body.

None of this was real. It couldn't be real. This wasn't her life.

Impossible.


	2. Strong Like You

The bottom fell out of Christians stomach and his feet felt like they were standing on nothing. He was helpless in front of this crying woman who was pushing him away. He hated being helpless. He was always in control. He had to be in control. What was happening?

_She doesn't want you_. It rang through his head.

_She doesn't want you._

He had to get the control back.

"You don't want me? Fine I'm gone." The door slammed behind him and he heard her sobs grow louder behind the closed door. His legs felt too numb to take a step forward.

_She doesn't want you. She doesn't want you. She doesn't want you. She doesn't want you. _

How could he have let her take so much control? How could he have fallen so hard for her?

He stood outside the door until he heard her crying subside. He straightened his back and took a step forward.

He had to get the control back.

Somehow.

On the other side of the door, Anna had picked herself up off the floor. She felt disgusting from being nauseous all day. She pulled herself to the bathroom and filled the bathtub to the top. Hot water splashed out of the sides as she submerged her entire body.

_what the hell am I going to do?_

She sank her head beneath the water. It felt like a warm cocoon. She wished she had told Christian. She wished he was there to hold her in his arms. She wanted him to make everything okay like he always did. But she couldn't let him do that this time. If she let him fix this for her, he would fix it _his_ way. She had to figure out what she wanted before she let him take control.

The front door opened. Kate was home. It wasn't long before she was knocking on the bathroom door.

"Ana are you in there? Did you take the test?"

Ana opened the door with a towel wrapped around her body. Her eyes were welling with tears and her face was scrunched from trying to hold back sobs. Kate knew immediately what the test result was.

"Oh, honey… " Words failed her. All she could do was hug Ana's body tightly to hers. Ana shook in Kate's arms as she gave into her tears again.

"What am I going to do?" Ana squeaked.

"It'll be okay." Kate was trying to sound soothing, but she was panicking inside. She led Ana to her bed and turned around while she put on clean pajamas.

"Have you thought about what you want to do?"

"I don't know." Ana's head was resting on her pillow. Her wet hair was making the bed damp, but she didn't care. "I had so many goals. I wanted to finish school and have a career." Her voice choked again.

Kate rubbed her back. "Your life isn't over. You can still do all of those things. You don't have to have a baby if you don't want to."

"I don't know what I want." Ana sighed, long and deep.

"It's okay if you don't know right now." Kate was trying to the strength inside herself to be calm and comforting. "It's not like this thing is popping out tomorrow." She laughed awkwardly and stopped when she saw that Ana wasn't amused.

"I just want to not think about this right now." Ana was regaining her composure. "I'm just tired and don't want to think about it."

"How about a movie?" Kate asked hopefully.

"Sure"

Kate got out the laptop and threw on a comedy. Even though she wasn't exactly laughing, Ana was glad to do something normal.

As they watched the movie, she felt like she was returning to herself, like she was coming back down to earth from a voyage to a foreign planet.

By the time the movie was over, it was midnight. Kate had fallen asleep in Ana's the silence, Ana's mind drifted to the drama that had been unrolling all day. She thought about what she had said to Christian.

What that frantic, wailing girl had said to Christian.

She wanted to slap that girl.

She looked over to Kate's sleeping body.

_How can someone as strong as her be friends with someone like me?_

Ana closed her eyes. She was looking inside herself, trying to find the strength that she could see in Kate.

In her minds eye, all she saw was the hurt on Christian's face just before he closed the door.

_If I were strong enough, I wouldn't have hurt him._

Ana bit her lip hard. She got up and walked to the bathroom where her phone was still sitting, discarded on the floor. Her hands trembled as her fingers typed out:

"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

AN: I don't like adding a lot of authors notes, but I'd like to say thank you so much to everyone who read and reviewed. I'm glad so many people are enjoying my story.


	3. In my head

Christian's heart pounded against his chest as he reads the words again.

"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

Was there anything left to talk about? She said that she didn't want him. Every muscle of pride in Christian was pulling him back from responding, but every memory that he had with her was begging him to say "yes".

He closed his eyes and thought about the first time he had met her. She had been so nervous when she came to interview him. He could tell she had tried look professional by wearing a pencil skirt with black nylon stockings, but she had given him anything but professional thoughts. Every time she shifted in her chair, his eyes begged her skirt to ride up so he could see a little more of her gorgeous legs. By the time the interview was over, he would have given anything to get her number.

Anything including hunting her down and flying to Seattle to 'casually' bump into her.

He felt like an idiot when he thought about how he had chased after her. He had already done so much to be with her. He couldn't keep this up if she kept running from him. He looked back at the text.

"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"

He cringed when he thought about how much he wanted her. He still wanted her as much as he did when he had first met her. The only difference now was that he had learned how much there was to love about her. He had found out just how _right_ she made him feel. He felt like when she saw him, her eyes couldn't see the terrible things he hid inside. She was so innocent. Sometimes she even helped him forget that the terrible things were there.

_"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"_

The words were throbbing in his mind. Christian put the phone in his bedside drawer to keep from looking at it again. He wouldn't give her a chance to take control from him again. He wasn't going to let himself need her, not when she could throw him away so easily.

There was a buzzing vibration from his bedside drawer. Christian squeezed his eyes tight to keep from opening it._ Never again. I won't give her a chance to run again._ He felt a dull ache in his chest at that thought.

_"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"_

_"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"_

_**"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"**_

"Get the fuck out of my head." Christian ripped the vibrating drawer out of the night stand and threw it across the room, smashing it into pieces against the wall. His phone sat in the middle of the wreck, still buzzing softly.

Christian pushed the blankets off of his body.

_"I'm sorry. Can we talk?"_

He swung his legs out of the bed, placing them on the floor.

_"I'm sorry."_

The buzzing pile of rubble was pulling him across the room.

_"Can we talk?"_

Even when he wasn't with her, she controlled him. He picked his phone out of the mess that he had made.

"If there's something you have to say then say it." He tried to make his voice cold, but he was sure Ana would hear his heart pounding over the phone.

There was silence on the other end.

"Christian, I'm pregnant."


	4. I Want You

The words stuck in her throat, "Christian, I'm pregnant."

Anastasia felt light headed and she realized she hadn't been breathing since she had dialed Christian's number.

"Christian, did you hear me?"

"I heard you, you don't have to say it again."

"I didn't mean to throw you out today." Anastasia's voice was a humble whisper " I just didn't know how to tell you. I didn't even know how to tell myself that it was true."

"I'll have Dr. Greene visit you tomorrow to confirm it." His cold voice placed distance between the two of them.

"Christian, I took four tests. It's confirmed. I'm pregnant."

"Then I'll have Dr. Greene visit you to discuss your options."

"I don't want to talk to Dr. Greene, Christian." Ana's frustration was overcoming her fear. "I called you because I want to discuss _our_ options with _you_."

Ana heard Christian sigh through the phone. She was breaking down his wall. "Fine, you want to talk about what I want you to do?"

"No!" Ana's voice was firm for the first time in the conversation. "I want to discuss what _we_ want to do how do you not get it?

"Okay, fine, let's talk."

"Can we talk in person?"

"I already came to talk to you in person." There was hardness between each of his words. Ana could tell that he was speaking through clenched teeth, "You didn't want to see me."

Ana's voice lost its firmness, "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to hurt you. Please understand."

Silence.

"Christian?" Her voice verged on begging.

Ana could hear her shallow breath in the silence as she waited for a response. Her eyes were beginning to droop from exhaustion.

"Okay." There was a sharp beep and Ana was left wondering what he had meant by "Okay."

Did he mean, "Okay. I understand that you were under a lot of pressure and felt sick and I don't blame you for anything"? or "Okay, let's talk about this in person and put everything out in the open so we can deal with this like adults"? Knowing him it was neither.

She needed to know what Christian was thinking, but Ana couldn't muster the energy to call him back. It was exhausting trying to pry a response out of him. She fumbled her way back to her bedroom. At some point during the phone call, Kate must have woken up and returned to her own bed. Ana hoped that Kate hadn't heard any of the conversation. She didn't need any more of Ana's problems to worry about.

Ana laid down in her bed. At that moment, nothing had felt so warm and comfortable as the sleep that washed over her. Her problems couldn't follow her to the dark, restful place where she was going. For just a few hours, she didn't have to deal with anything.

When Ana opened her eyes, something didn't feel right. There was sunlight coming in through the window, she looked at the clock. It read 9:13 a.m. She scanned the room from her bed. It looked normal, but something was giving her an uneasy feeling of being out of place. She took a step out of the bed and screamed. Her foot had rested on the sleeping form of Christian Grey.

Christian jumped, startled by her scream and by the foot that had landed on his head.

"What are you doing here?" Ana asked with a hand on her chest.

"You said you wanted to talk so I'm here. Do you want me to leave again?" Christian tried to sound callous. He was still trying to keep distance between the two of them no matter how much he wanted to be close to her. He couldn't let her know how much he wanted her. He couldn't let her know how much control she had over him.

"No, I want you here." Ana rubbed sleep from her eyes. She was still confused, but relieved to see him. "How long have you been there?"

"I came as soon as I got up this morning." Christian lied.

He didn't want to say that he had bolted to his car the moment he had heard the words, "Christian, I'm pregnant." He didn't want Ana to know how quickly he had rushed to her side. By the time he had gotten there, she had been sleeping. She had looked so perfect and peaceful. He had ached to lay his body next to hers. He wanted to feel the warmth that radiated from her. He wanted to smell her presence.

_She doesn't want you._ The thought had stabbed through his fantasy.

His resistance slammed down hard on his desires. He wouldn't let himself be a little puppy begging to sleep at the foot of it's masters bed. He sat next to the bed, leaning his body against the frame. Ana's words spinning in his head as the room had faded around him and he fell into a dark sleep.

"Why didn't you wake me up when you got here?" Ana asked confused.

"It would be better to talk if you were fully rested." This wasn't entirely a lie.

"And why did you go to sleep on my floor?" Ana's eyebrow was raised skeptically.

"I guess I fell asleep waiting for you to wake up."

"You know you could have come into the bed if you were tired."

"I didn't think you wanted me in your bed." For the first time, Christian was telling the truth.

"Christian, I called you because I needed you here and because I wanted you here. Can you understand that?"

The dark voice in Christian's head said, _no_.

"Yes, I understand that, can we talk now." He still stood rigidly next to the bed.

Ana breathed relief, believing that she was finally getting through to Christian and making herself clear. She tried to hide the hesitation in her voice, "I'm want to keep the baby."

A glow spread through Christian. Why did he feel so… happy?


	5. In your arms

Ana couldn't bring herself to look into Christian's eyes. Her hands were clenched so tightly that her nails dug into her palms. She bit her lip, bracing herself for the explosion of emotion that she was sure was coming.

In an instant Christian's hands were on Ana's shoulders, pulling her into his body. The aching fear in her heart dissolved when she felt his lips on her forehead. The sudden tenderness sucked the breath out of her lungs.

"I wish you had told me all of this yesterday" The ice in his voice had melted.

"So do I." Ana looked up to Christian's eyes, he was truly unpredictable to her. "I didn't know what to expect. I thought you would be… angry "

Christian felt a stab in his chest. Was that how he made her feel? "Is that why you've been avoiding me?"

Anastasia nodded.

"Ana, you needed me by your side. You should have told me as soon as you found out. How long have you known?"

"Just since yesterday really, but I've been pretty sure for a few days."

It hurt Christian that she had kept this secret, but somehow he didn't know any words that would express this. He removed his hand from her shoulder and took a step back from her. "We need to talk about how we're going to sort this out."

"I'm staying in school until I graduate." Ana said without hesitation.

"Fine" Christian knew there was no point in arguing this with her on this. Her dedication to her education was one of the things that he admired about her. "That's only until the end of the month. Have you thought about after that?"

Ana paused.

Christian squared his shoulders. He was feeling in charge of the situation. "I hadn't thought so. I think it would be best if we arranged some kind of co-habitation."

"Christian, are you asking me to move in with you?" Ana's heart thumped hard against her chest at the realization.

"Essentially, yes. I think it would be necessary given the…" He looked down at Ana's stomach and cleared his throat "...situation that we're in."

"Can just you say it?" Ana's voice was gentle and begging.

"Say what?"

"That you want me to move in with you."

"I thought I just did." Christian looked blankly at Anastasia.

"No you didn't. You said everything but the words, 'I want you to move in with me.'"

His body stiffened. "Is that really necessary? I'm sure I implied it."

"Christian, that's not enough. I need you to say it."

"You're being a bit ridiculous."

Ana shook her head in disbelief. "Then my answer is no"

Christian swallowed a groan as he felt the situation slipping through his strong grasp. There was no way to make her do what he wanted.

"Anastasia, I won't risk pushing you away again, so fine, I want you to move in with me."

Ana glowed with satisfaction. "Thank you."

"So is that a yes?" Christian was irritated that she found it so easy to pull emotions out of him when he had worked so hard to guard them.

"Yes!" Ana wanted to throw her arms around him, but she knew from experience that he would draw back if she got too close to touching him. There were some secrets that he still kept deep inside himself. Instead of leaping into his arms, she asked gently, "Can I kiss you?"

"Oh baby, you can do more than kiss me." He pulled her mouth to his and took her kiss from her, Sliding his hands under her shirt and up the smooth curves of her body. He pinned her to the bed, pressing his lips harder to hers, forcing them apart with his tongue. Ana resisted for a moment until the surprise wore off and she melted into him. She could feel how deeply he wanted her. He didn't loosen his grip on her until his passion had utterly consumed her and he collapsed, finally able to feel how exhausted he was from the roller coaster he had been on for three long days.

"I missed you." Ana said quietly into Christian's hair. His eyes were lightly closed. He was soaking in her words. Something about them made him feel so complete. He reached his hand over and stroked her bare breast. "You really do need to see Dr. Greene. I'll call to make an appointment."

"I can make the appointment myself." Ana said with a little force.

"That's true." Christian's voice was growing dreamy. He was slipping into a comfortable sleep for the first time since he had felt Ana pull away from him. "But I want to take care of you."

"I've never seen this side of you before." Ana felt her guard dropping.

"You never let me show it to you." Christian was being pulled deeper into sleep. Reality was blurring with the warm dream in his head. In the haze of his dream, he had a vague feeling of something small and vulnerable in his arms


	6. Spell it out

Ana shivered slightly in her paper gown as Dr. Greene made notes on a clip board. "Were you taking the birth control that I prescribed to you at the exact same time everyday?"

Ana nodded affirmatively. "I was so careful. don't know how this could happen."

Dr. Greene looked down at the notes that she had made "It's not unusual for oral contraceptives to fail in the first three months. That's why we recommend using another form of contraceptive until then."

Ana looked down blushing. _'Sure, try telling that to Christian Grey...'_

"Fortunately everything seems to be fine health wise." The doctor's voice took on a concerned note. "So how has Christian been taking the news?"

Ana glowed. "Really well, I think he's actually happy about it if you can believe it."

Dr. Greene's lips thinned. "I would be... careful with him."

"Why is that?" Ana was trying not to let the doctor dampen her enthusiasm.

Dr. Greene felt a little guilty for the change in the girls expression. "Ms. Steele, I'm not trying to scare you, I just don't want you to get hurt. The one thing that I've learned from being the physician for Mr. Grey's girlfriends is that his feelings are unpredictable. It's true for all men." Her voice lost some of it's clinical professionalism. "I just don't want you to expect one thing and get another, so just... be

careful with him." she repeated her warning to Ana.

Ana's expression hardened. "Thanks for the advice, but I think I can trust him."

Dr. Greene smiled sympathetically. "You're a smart girl. I'm sure you'll take care of yourself."

"Is that everything?" Ana asked.

"Yes, I'll schedule you for another appointment at the end of next month." Dr. Greene said, ignoring Ana's curtness.

"Thank you."

"I'll let you change back into your clothes." Dr. Greene paused at the door. "If anything in your situation changes, please don't hesitate to call me."

Ana burned indignantly at the doctors comments. _'She doesn't know that I'm nothing like those girls.' _She slipped out of the paper gown and tugged her pants up her legs. _'She doesn't know anything about us… She has no idea what Christian and I have shared.'_

She left the doctors office without another word. A driver was waiting outside to take her to Christian's apartment after the appointment. She took a seat in the car, still seething from the exchange inside the doctors office. '_He would be so angry if I told him what she said. It would serve her right for being so nosy.'_

The apartment was dark when she stepped through the door.

'_Christian must not have left work yet...' _ Ana felt disappointment spread through her body. She hadn't realized how much she needed to see him. She knew that if she could talk to him and see how happy he was, she would forget everything that had happened in the doctors office. She sighed and turned on the massive flat screen television, hoping that a mindless drama would distract her until Christian came home.

Ana's mind was fully absorbed in the television when she heard the front door shift open. She jumped excitedly from her seat before composing herself and walking to the door to greet Christian.

Christian paused at the door, looking blankly at Anastasia.

"Aren't you happy to see me?" Ana asked.

"Yeah, I was just… surprised." Christian took a second to gather himself. "I forgot that you would be here when I got home."

The hurt was clear on Ana's face. "You should get used to it if you want me to move in with you."

Christian removed his shoes and walked over to her, scooping her body into his large arms.

"I could never get used to coming home to such a beautiful woman in my house. I hope you're okay with that."

Ana smiled and kissed his lips. '_She doesn't know anything about us.'_

"How did the appointment go?" Christian asked, setting Ana back onto her feet.

"It went well."

Christian must have sensed the hesitation in her voice. "There's nothing wrong with the baby, right?"

"no"

"And you? Your healthy?"

"Yes" Ana bit her lip.

"Then is there anything that I need to be worried about?" Christian could sense that there was something that he needed to dig out of her.

"No, everything is fine."

'_She has no idea how strongly he feels about me.'_ Ana wondered how many of the girls from Christian's past had said this to themselves.

"Anastasia, we've talked about this. If there's something you're worried about then you need to tell me." Christian was taking his firm tone.

Ana looked into his eyes, wondering what she could possibly say. Christian sighed. "Ana please, this isn't going to work if you don't tell me what's worrying you. Trust me, I can handle it."

Ana looked away from his eyes. Her voice was quiet. "Is this really what you want?"

Christian melted at her distress. "Ana, I said as much, didn't I? Do you need me to say it again?"

"I just" Ana's words were sticking in her mouth, "I just want to know that you've thought this through. I don't want to find out when it's too late that this was never what you wanted."

Christian ran his hand through his hair. "I'm not sure what I could say that would convince you. It sounds like you're going to be insecure about this no matter what."

Ana was biting her lip hard. "If you can't tell me then how do I know that you won't throw me away like you did every other girl?"

"I'm with you because I want to be with you. I want this life with you, nothing is going to change that."

"Do you really think that I'm that naive?"

Christian had given up. "No, Ana, I think you're fiercely defiant and utterly paranoid and I couldn't love you more for it."

Ana stopped biting her lip and her mouth hung slightly open. "You what?"

Christian smiled. This girl needed everything spelled out for you. "I love you, Anastasia Steele."

**A/N: Thank you to all of my anonymous reviewers who I couldn't thank personally. I really welcome constrictive criticism so let me know if you notice something about my writing that isn't working. **

**I'm working on some of my original fiction so I may take a little longer between updates for a bit, but I'll try to keep it up to once a week and give you some longer chapters.**


	7. I trust you

"I'm sorry. I must be going crazy. What did you just say?"

"I said I love you, Anastasia Steele. Is that okay with you?"

She bit her lip and smiled. "Yeah, that's okay." She rushed towards Christian to kiss him hard on the mouth. His hands reached to stop her from touching him. She pulled away frowning.

"Christian if you love me, you should be able to let me touch you."

His posture stiffened. He cleared his throat awkwardly. "I know. I just..."

A wrinkle formed on Ana's forehead. "Can't you tell me why you don't want me to touch you? I just want to understand you."

Christian felt suddenly exhausted. "I know Ana. I'm sorry. I just need time. I really don't know how to talk about this with you."

Ana bit her lip. "I want you to feel comfortable with me. What can I do to make you open up to me?"

Christian let out a deep, tired sigh. "I don't know Ana. I wish I could explain this to you." His teeth clenched. He was trying to keep speaking even though his mind told him not to. "I just can't get used to the idea of someone touching my body. I'm sorry. I guess I just need to learn to trust you more."

Ana's eyes were soft, her voice quiet. Hurt was written plainly across her face. "I don't know what happened to make you this way, but whatever you need Christian. I'll do anything to help you learn to trust me."

Christian pulled her face into his and said softly against her lips, "I love you." His mouth closed over hers, kissing her deeply and passionately. Her hands rested on his back. He flinched, but didn't break away.

Christian put his hand to Ana's stomach, whispering. "You're going to be such a wonderful mother, Ana." She blushed, looking down at his hand. "I hope so."

A week had passed and Ana and Christian began to settle more comfortably into their new domestic life. Still Christian felt a small hint of guilt whenever Ana reached out to touch him. He hated pulling away from her. He could see the hurt in her eyes even if she tried not to pressure him. And god it hurt to see how he was hurting her. He just couldn't fight the feeling of intense uneasiness whenever someone came close to touching him.

But she was being so patient. She wanted to help him.

_'how could anyone help a mess like me?'_ He rubbed his temple with one hand while he steered his car with the other. _'It's just not possible.'_

Christian exhaled, exhausted from thinking about it. Guilt and fear twisted in his stomach. How could she believe him when he said her loved her if he couldn't even show her that he trusted her enough to put her hands on him? His hands clenched on the steering wheel in frustration. Her intentions were good, but honestly what could a sweet thing like her do to help a monster like him? She didn't have a clue.

He parked his car and took the elevator up to the penthouse. Ana was waiting for him when he opened the door. He was getting used to it now and it had become something to look forward to at the end of the day. He thought warmly of the day when she would be waiting for him with a baby in her arms.

"How was your day?" She smiled.

Christian tried to hide the weary look on his face. "Fine."

Ana stood, waiting for him to come to her. He rewarded her by throwing his arms around her small body and giving her a big squeeze.

Ana chewed her lip lightly and said, "Christian I've been thinking."

Christian paused. He didn't like where this was going

"I really want you to know you can trust me, so... so I'm going to show you how much I trust you." She held her hand out for him. "I want to show you something."

He took her hand hesitantly and followed, his curiosity overwhelming his uneasiness about whatever this surprise could be.

Ana led him to the bedroom, where she had lain out an array of objects on the bed. Christian stared at them with confusion. "Ana what is all this stuff."

_'Handcuffs, whips' _He froze_ 'are those nipple clamps?'_ Christian's mouth hung open, he turned to her in disbelief.

She blushed. "I thought it was a good idea."

Christian picked up a set of handcuffs from the bed. "So you want me to chain you to the bed?" He spoke slowly "and use... this." He picked a riding crop out of the large pile of items on the bed.

Ana nodded, looking down to her feet. "You don't think it's stupid, do you?"

Christian felt his pants getting tight as he held the crop in is hand. "Where did you get all these things?"

Ana shrugged. "I got the idea a while ago, so I've been collecting a few things. Look we don't have to try it if you think it's stupid."

Christian kissed her hard on the mouth. "Ana, you have no idea how amazing you are to me."

A devilish grin spread across Ana's face. "Do you want to try it right now?"

Christian's hand tightened on the crop. He picked up the handcuffs, tenderly closing them around Ana's wrists before gently pushing her to the bed. "Yeah, I really do."

AN: Sorry for taking so long for this update. If I take this long again, feel free to pester, beg, nag, encourage or guilt me into to writing faster. It really does help to know that someone is waiting eagerly for the next chapter, so go ahead and blow up my inbox, leave a review, send me an email or find me on twitter. (contact info is in my profile.)

Thanks for being patient with me, guys!


	8. Of Lambs and Wolves

Christian's eyes lifted heavily. Slowly he rose on to one arm and looked over at Ana's sleeping body.

His mind was swimming with images of what they had done the night before, what she had done for him.

And what he had done to her.

He thought about how she had felt in his arms, fully at his mercy. How she had looked into his eyes as he pressed his body down onto her. He knew then that he could do anything to her. She was his.

"I want to show you how much I trust you." was all she had said and left the rest up to him. What was it that she was trying to make him understand? Christian ran his hand over her still body. She had already shown him that she trusted him by moving in with him and having his child, but still she wanted to show him that she was willing to let him do anything to her. Somehow there must have been something that she had seen in him that made her feel like she could trust her whole world with him. She really believed that he would never hurt her. Christian cringed at the thought. Something in his stomach wasn't settling right.

Ana began to stir beside him. Her eyes fluttered opened. "Good morning." She muttered through her beautiful swollen lips.

"Good morning, gorgeous." Christian kissed her on her forehead

Ana blushed. "So what did you think of..." Ana paused to find the right word. "all that." She finished.

Christian smiled devilishly. "Baby, it was amazing."

"But how did you feel about it?" Ana pressed.

"Umm, awesome."

Ana laughed and swatted him lightly over the head with her pillow. "But did it make you feel anything emotionally?"

"Sure."

"Well?"

"Well what?"

"Well what did it make you feel?"

"Oh um, well." Christian looked around the room and then at Ana. "Well, it made me feel like you want me... and..." His eyes resumed their aimless search around the room. When his gaze returned to Ana's face she was staring sweetly back at him, a hopeful expression lit across her face.

"It made me feel like you really care about me... and..." It was so hard to think on the spot with her loving little mug burning holes through him. Her eyes were making his gut turn. He sat up in the bed and took her in his arms. "And like you trust me to do anything to you."

Ana's face only fell slightly. "and did that make me feel like you can trust me? Like I'm willing to make myself vulnerable to you?"

Christian was a deer in the headlights. "err, well, umm, yes?"

Ana sighed. "I thought that this would be a way to show you that you don't need to be afraid of me. I thought if you could see how much I trust you, you would know that you could trust me too."

Christian cringed again. She was such a lamb. She didn't even realize that she already had made herself vulnerable to him and he had taken full advantage of her. "Ana I'm sorry I do trust you. I know you would never do anything to hurt me."

Ana reached her hand out slowly. Her skin fell softly on his bare chest. Christian didn't move but his face winced visably. Ana's face had pained confusion on it. "Then why Christian? Why do you hate it when I touch you?"

Christian breathed heavily out through his nose. Suddenly it was impossible to meet Ana's eyes. They had come so far in their relationship, there was no way he could risk it all by telling her the truth. "I can't stand when you touch me because I don't deserve to be with you."

Ana was clearly deciding whether she should laugh or show sympathy. "Christian you're a super hot billionaire, the father of my baby and underneath that constipated exterior, you're actually pretty sweet. You literally couldn't be more desirable."

His fists opened and closed. There was a strange feeling in his stomach that he wasn't familiar with. It was a twisting queezyness, maybe guilt was the right word. Finally he spoke. "I just can't stand what I've done to you."

"Done to me?" Ana was curiously amused. "You mean invited me into your home and told me that you loved me, made me the mother of your child?"

Cold prickles rolled down Christian's skin. The room seemed so far away and his voice sounded like it was coming from someone else's body. "It's because of me that you're pregnant."

Ana rolled her eyes, smiling. "Uh duh, I kind of already knew how that works, but it's not your fault. It takes two people to cause an accident." She tickled him lightly and he winced again.

"It wasn't an accident." Christian saw a slow shock wash the amusement off Ana's face. It finally dawned on him what the sick feeling in his stomach was. It was disgust. He was disgusted with himself for what he'd done.

_AN: So I had two conflicting ideas for where I wanted to take this story and it took me a long time to decide which way it would go, so I hope you like it and don't kill me! I know things just got a little insane._


	9. I knew It Was a Dream

_"I don't know about her." Christian flipped through the binder to a photo of a French woman. Brown hair, hazel eyes, 5'5, twenty-three years old. The page next to her photo had a detailed biography including her degree, her work history, and her family history._

_"She's perfect for you" Elena urged. "She's young, educated, has a healthy relationship with her parents and she's really excited to be a surrogate."_

_Christian flipped absent mindedly through the pages of women. "I don't think I like any of this."_

_Elena pressed her lips together. "Christian, I thought you were on board with the surrogate idea."_

_"Yeah, I was."_

_"Was?" Elena raised an eyebrow._

_"It just seems to impersonal."_

_"Isn't that the point?" Elena's hands folded neatly in her lap. "I thought it was a great way to have a child without any messy emotional situation to deal with. You're having your cake and eating it too."_

"_Do I really want the mother of my children to be some woman who I picked out of a book?" Christian closed the binder and sat back in his chair pensively. A few minutes passed without him saying anything._

_Finally Elena said, "Well if you were go the traditional route with having kids, you would have to have some kind of serious monogamous relationship. Frankly I don't believe that will ever happen, but let's say you do figure out a way to stay with one woman long enough for her to decide she wants you to be the father of her children, who's to say that something won't come along to split you two up and you end up with just a messy ex and child support payments. I'm telling you Christian, surrogate is the way to go"_

_A perky assistant poked her head into the office. "Sorry to interrupt Mr. Grey, but your 10:30 appointment is here, Miss Anastasia Steele here to interview you for her college."_

_Elena stood, leaving the binder on Christian's desk. "I'll leave you to think about what you want to do."_

"It wasn't an accident."

Ana digested the words slowly. Of course he didn't think it was an accident. In Christian Grey's world, he can't make mistakes.

"What do you mean, you don't think it was an accident?"

"It's not that I don't think it wasn't accident Ana. It was not an accident." He sighed, deep and defeated. "It was me. This was all my plan."

"That doesn't make any sense, you were the one that wanted me to go on birth control in the first place. How could I even..." Ana was struggling to find her voice. "How is that even possible?" She finished by putting her hand on her stomach, partly just to feel that her body was still there.

_Christian buried his hands in his pockets to keep them warm. It was so early that the air was still cold, but it was worth getting out of bed. After the interview, Ana had agreed to meet him at local coffee shop before she went to class. Then she had agreed to meet him the next day and the day after that. They had been meeting more or less every morning for over a week now. It required leaving the house at an ungodly hour, but it was worth it just to talk to her for a while. Somehow everything she said was the most interesting thing he had ever heard. Ana had something warm about her that made him feel so... comfortable. He laughed to himself, this was probably the longest he had known a gorgeous woman without having sex with her._

_Christian yawned deeply, these early mornings combined with late nights at work were taking a toll. 'It's worth it.' he thought 'Besides it's not like it will be for much longer.' _

_Christian had been waiting for the moment when Ana realized that she was too sweet and angelic to be with him. So far it hadn't come, but he wasn't going to delude himself into thinking that it wouldn't. He knew that she was too good to be with him, so it was only a matter of time before she knew it too. He wasn't sad about it, or at least he didn't think he was, he was just grateful for every moment she was willing to spend with him._

"You shouldn't be so confused. Something inside of you must have told you that I was no good. That you shouldn't let me into your life."

Christian's words stung Ana. She moved away from him on the bed. "Christian, you're scaring me. What are you talking about?"

"I had your pills switched." His mood was growing dark and irrational.

Ana's felt cold. She didn't even know where to begin to understand what was happening. There was only one question in her mind. "Why would you do this?"

_Christian sneezed into his coffee, dropping the cup and spilling all over the table. His entire body cringed. He couldn't ask for a worse time to look like a clumsy idiot. _

_Ana looked up from her breakfast with alarm. "Are you sick, Christian?" She put her hand out to feel his forehead. He tried to back away, but she was to quick for him, her cool hand felt so good against his hot skin._

_"God, you're burning up, you really need to get home and rest."_

_Christian stiffened, trying to recover his dignity. "No, I'm fine. It's just warm and dusty in here."_

_Ana crossed her arms over her chest. "Are you lying to me Mr. Grey?"_

_He melted under her beautiful, glowering eyes. He cleared his throat, which was dry and sore, and managed an assertive, "yes."_

_"Okay that's it, put your coat on, I'm taking you home."_

_Christian perked an eyebrow at the suggestive phrasing._

_"Oh good grief." Ana rolled her eyes. "You're sick— in more than one way."_

_A car picked them up and dropped them off at the penthouse. Christian didn't know if his face was burning from fever or embarrassment. As soon as he pushed the door open, he felt himself collapsing onto the couch._

_"You have to cancel your appointments for today. I'm letting you go out like this."_

_Christian saw his opportunity to call her bluff. "Well the only way for you to make sure I stay home today is if you stay here with me."_

_"Of course I'm going to stay with you. Come on, where are your pajamas?" Ana covered him with a blanket from the couch. Christian wondered if his mother— his real mother had ever done this for him. His fever was getting the best of him. "Ana" He said._

_Ana turned and looked at him seriously "What?"_

_"You have to promise that you won't leave." The room was swimming around him and he could tell his voice sounded like someone talking in their sleep._

_"I said I would, didn't I?"_

_"Yes, but you have to promise."_

_Ana kissed christian lightly on the forehead. "I promise I'll stay in with you today."_

_When Christian woke up the next day his fever was gone and so was Ana. On the nightstand was a note_

_"Had to go to class. I hope you're feeling better. Please take care of yourself. I don't like seeing you hurt. Call me when you're feeling better. - Ana"_

_He smiled wryly as he contemplated the note. She had lied, but he didn't blame her. She had a life to live and he was never meant to be part of it. He thought about how much tenderness she had shown him when he was sick. She just had this amazing love that poured out of her without her even realizing._

_Christian stared at the note again, thinking about Ana. After a few minutes he picked up his phone._

_"Taylor, I need you to get me something and I don't want you to ask any questions about it."_

_"Of course."_

_"I need to to get me a prescription of oral contraceptive filled with placebo pills."_

_If Taylor was surprised by this request, he didn't show it. "Of course, when do you need it?"_

_"As soon as possible."_

_He wouldn't waste time putting his plan in motion._

"I did it because you were everything I ever wanted and I knew that it wasn't going to last." His eyes were now staring into space like he had completely surrendered from reality.

Ana sat open mouthed, shaking her head. His mask had come off and she didn't know how she was supposed to look at him anymore. "I always knew you were controlling, but I never thought you were capable of something like this."

_Christian stared up and down Ana's naked body in utter awe of her. He had been with dozens of women in his life, but the feeling in his gut said that she was the first - no the only woman he had ever known._

_"Are you sure you're ready?" He whispered in her ear. He needed to hear it. Even if he knew that she didn't know what was going on. He needed to hear her say that she was prepared for this._

_"I've known I was ready since I met you." She murmured back. Christian's arms went weak around her and he almost collapsed._

_"Ana, you've made me so happy."_

AN: As always thank you so much to everyone who has reviewed who I couldn't respond to personally. I read every single review and take them into consideration when I'm writing so feel free to tell me what you liked and didn't like so far. 


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